who am i not writing for?

when i am not writing, i am also not writing letters to my grandma
writing through the
cobwebs of
dementia
writing to remind her
who am i?
who is she?
what words are.
what writing is.

i want to remember what i am not writing in my journal
to myself
in a "safe space"
where my narrative can be externalized without judgment
prejudice
without academic posturing
writing
stream of consciousness
conscious of my flaws
grammatical errors
syntax
diction
conscious of
not giving a fuck.
fucking — when i am not writing
when i am not writing my assignment for class
i am reading, i am reading and typing for other classes
the classes that matter
matter to who?
who am i writing for?
i am not writing for me.
who am i not writing for?

not writing life

when i am not writing, i am also not organizing my thoughts
thoughts i am not thinking
thinking too much
much to do
do homework
home work
house work
working through the night
night terror
panic
fear
thoughts i am not thinking when
i am not writing

list making
then i can write
                              __ 1. find time to write

finish all other items on list before taking time
to write—right?
                wrong—everything is wrong.

when i am not writing, i am also not finding time to clean, shop, cook, eat, clean, study, read, read more, take care of my skin, shower, bathe, book doctor's appointments, take car in for service, go for blood work, go for ultrasound, make dinner for mom, RUN, take care of my body, health, mind

mind you, i should write.

when i am not writing, i am always thinking about writing
writing and everything else
when i am not writing, i am also not finding the right words
words are wrong lately
i want my words to be right
when i am not writing, i am also not wronging
i am
nothing

Not Writing :: Lists

When I am "not writing", I am...

dishes
masturbation
running in anxious mental circles
sleeping
napping
trying to sleep
trying to nap
testing the limits of my cage, running into new invisible walls and finding new places of rupture
toilet cleaning
dreaming
trying to dream
nourishment (reading/brain, eating/body)
staring at the wall
worrying
conversations
procrastination
getting tattooed
drinking
darts
bowling
dancing


When I am not writing, I am not writing...

mental models, conceptual boxes, only to trouble and dissolve them
plays about feminist robots
plays about girls at the moment they realize they are trapped
hypothetical conersations with celebrities
angry letters to the editor
songs about setting things on fire
letters of apology
christmas cards
personal essays
diary entries
pithy tweets
short stories about time-travelling dinosaurs who save the world from climate change
text messages to people I love
new emoticons

Writing/Not Writing

Writing to survive or surviving to write but does my writing survive or how am I going to survive my writing.

__

I wish I could an ending.  I wish I could write beyond myself, beyond our world, I do not mean to say I want to write fiction, rather write to make the world and ourselves "better" that it was or is, would be.

What is your not writing

When I'm not writing...

I am desperately catching my breath, balancing my mental and emotional state of mind.  Processing the terms of behavior of those around me.

Caring for others, exercising, patience, love and kindness for the worlds I work within.

Not writing allows creativity to flow and inspiration to come and go. Awareness and desire seem to work hand in hand.  Darkness becomes beautiful within this cage.

Writing/Not Writing

not be able to write is just because, my grammar and vocabulary is not clear that really my main issue, not be able to complete my school its locking me up in a cage.  My wish is to be a good student, when I am able to write the way I want it.

- Zeny

The Good Doctor

The good doctor slices the city
Its veins, its arteries, its muscle and flesh
Sutured back together into his masterpiece
Is the scalpel a gift?
The good doctor is on TV today
His smile is perfect fat pink lips over straight white teeth
I have it on good authority that the good doctor knows best but
He hasn't examined this body or felt this pulse
Or walked these streets
The good doctor nods his head as if in prayer
As if to say he understands
He holds out his scalpel
An offering
a diagnosis
A cure
Sterile
Antiseptic
His smile is perfect

Collective Writing Oct. 24

All I have are questions.
Where did I come from?
I cam from the discoverers
who brought their manifest destiny
and forced it on others
How should I feel about this?
ashamed
uncomfortable
unsettled

I I I 
me me me 
we we we 
one
symbiotic entity

 made

of love

in between your first breath and yesterday and
tomorrow you are who you are and not what
you will be.
we are here now, love
your first to you last. And everything
in between, from all the â yi hit 
to all the â yi man, be mindful
of â yi

Love is Love is Love is Love!!!
I long to find my origin
much like this

Love is love but why can it
not be defined?
_________________________________________________________________________________

I Need to accept my circumstance of being.

a sub human martyr. I need to find a direction.

Inside outside myself and my circumstance. I Need

to recenter myself from scattered to the seven directions

of my being. 

love each and one another pulls at my pillow

Love is hard. Pulling at your heart.

constantly. â yi hiy

Love! The insurmountable bogey man.

The holy grail of holy grails

It seems like being in a vortex

but with grandmother directions.

I might find love. 

enjoy the sad days in your

life to cry Bring you happens. 

sad days and good day’s are both

part of the cycle of life. Not

every day is happiness.

There is direction to our life - guidance - gifts.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Where we come from air and dust
twenty eight days: â yi

â yi is supreme being meaning in
everything.

We are but a speckle of dust
in this vast atmosphere.
Humbling. despite learning this multiple times

we sense Past through our Body

to get rid of it.

Dust threw our body refers back to Genesis in the bible. How God
created man. 

         a nehiyaw paradigm is difficult to comprehend. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

â yi hay to Mr. Quin for teaching Neyihâw history.
He said that the conquered don't tell their own
history which is very â yi man but not
this afternoon.

Restoration of a displaced voice
Restoration of a conquered voice
bring a sense of identity
bring a sense of therapeutic peace

        if you here a voice you are +
 

        listening to your brain.

    listening to your brain is appropriate

since it contains more the 30, 000
nearons all firing at once,

What part of our body do we use to
listen? Our brain? Our nose to remember
smells? Touch? Toes? Is it just our ears
listen?
      64 DNA markers. numbersare significant !!

        7 holes reaching to our world

                     listen to the brain

________________________________________________________________________________

Grateful for a blossoming of tender
emotion.

Connected to a moment where communication goes beyond what I 

understand into the emotional - the 

real likfe "momma's" cookies kind of moments.

Full of warmth - full of community

full of wonder.

But how do I describe those things!

       I am reminded of holistic teachings

    teachings

I am reminded of those connections how
they seem to move on their own

                         but they are connections

But how do I describe these things?

why so much emphasis on the image?

       why is it so hard to tell everyone about my background and anything else

I hear you. I believe you. The courage
connection is everything. Connection is love
                                              we are here for you

in taking these steps inspires me.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Grandmother!
Female essence and origin of life
Female authority and significance
Chalice - shaped structures

echoing the vaginal origin of life

     know your language

     creation from nothing

     just like life

know the semantics

intimate and intricate structures

     respect your surrounding

respect your surroundings like you 

respect your body. The surroundings

and body are temples to worship.

respect the Earth. respect places and 

spaces. Learn more of others

        opening consciousness 

        opening respect

Are individuals becoming abstract now? Where is the body of the grandmother? 

_________________________________________________________________________________

                         I Lean Do not Be  

                         a person who feels sorry for

                           yourself enjoy life and grow

                           throw that Baggage away when

                           you get a chance.

                         enjoy life and grow because life 

            can be blessed if you live it appropriately.

    Life is moments to be enjoyed. Take 

snapshots of things you hold precious +

keep them forever with you. 

       changing attitude? thank you :) 

life is ever blossoming, unconditionally giving,
      reminds me of these moments to enjoy, to love

changing attitudes indeed

      how long does it take to change?

_________________________________________________________________________________

I learned this: 

love each and one another. 

Can 'love' be defined in words?

Love cannot be defined it is 

something that is is just is!

WE are love. This community is love.

Thanks for the moment of "love" you share

with this class.

Love is definite?

What pulls us to define?

       Can anything pullus away? Is there a line of condition? Where love and pain cannot

be reconciled?

        Love is an emotional thing for me and I really would love ot have Reuben at the Learning Centre on Thursday.

Let's try and make that happen. 

(Not Writing)/ Writing Ambitions

Daydreaming the blueprint
and willing them into reality
speculation and wallowing
in ethereal bliss - sensimilla
Nicotine scents trail my finger nails
anxious frustrations drifting
to the edge of physical exploration
anxious deliberations of failure
marathon in a seamless vacuum


Philosophical pondering on the origin of ideas
scattered across al genres.

Self-Care

If no one will do it,
you have to

A girl was told
her hair was a nuisance
Her NATURAL hair!

No one batted an eyelid
No one spoke up

Images and videos of murders
of marginalized groups
destroy the conscious and
psyche of the oppressed

they need to love themselves
to survive.

Revanchism

I had a shirt
one shirt to wear
and wear it I did
                            Can you spot
                            the radiant shirt
                            on that fellow
how can one so dull
own a piece of clothing
so colourful
this is an injustice
to we, the colourful people of the world
we, to whom all good things belong
                                                                 Now, I understand the wheeziness
                                                                 in the air
                                                                 the restlessness of energies
                                                                 stems from natural imbalance
can we admire your shirt?
can you tell us where you got it?
can we feel it?
can we have it?